Proper Conduct

Baxter and I have broken up at least ten times over the course of five years. I once drove four hours to his house and ask him to take me back. When I got there we barely talked and reconciled our differences with passionate hot sex. I basically offered Baxter my vagina in exchange for his forgiveness and affection. I want the record to show that sex was a form forgiveness that was high up on the hierarchy of things-to-use-in-order-to-appease-Baxter.

It has been two months since I spoke to Baxter a full 8 weeks. I have been counting the days, I cross out the dates on the calendar that sits on top of my desk.

I cried in the bathtub last night because i missed him so much I would have disintegrated into tiny particles.

Play sad music 

Cry

Take tequila shots

Sleep wake up repeat

Trust me this is healthy.

Currently I am in a music store because Noelle is looking for Igor on CD. I didn’t know they still made CDs. I am perusing through the music shop while Noelle fights with the shop attendant. I am actually not paying attention because I am thinking of how I am going to be able to drop Noelle home and be able to make it to the store and buy some groceries since i woke up craving coffee cake. My sense have been adjusted to music shop in the short time we have been here. The occasional sound of the doorbell each time a new person comes in, laughter and chatter, the sound of the vinyl and cds against each other and the smell of freshly baked bread from across the street.

The song ends and the shop attendant announces the sale going on on the weekend then Waves by Mr Probz starts playing.

Cue tears…

Waves is my go to song every time I miss Baxter. The ability of music to transport me back to a specific time in my live and open up the exact emotion I felt is formidable. I feel my eyes well up and a stinging sensation in my throat.

 

“Fuck you Baxter Carmichael” I mumbled under my breath 

I dash outside the door and stand by the sidewalk to wait for Noelle. Five minutes later she walks out beaming almost walking on the balls of her feet.

“I think this is our lucky day” she announces, my stomach drops to the floor because I know i am about to be dragged into one of her plans. I am a simp for my friends so naturally I am going to do whatever she asks of me. “There’s is a guy who is getting rid of vinyls in Yates!”

“I think that if we leave now we will be able to make it back before sundown” Noelle adds on before she opens the passenger side of my car 

“What if I am not up for it?” 

“Come on Audee we literally have nothing to do and you’re the only person i know with a car” she pleads. 

“Seat belts please “ I urge her before I join the highway

She reaches for my phone and starts searching through Apple Music. She finally taps Circles by Post Malone.

“Don’t cry not in front of her” my subconscious recants this chant over and over 

Hollywood’s bleeding is one of my favorite albums but lately I have been avoiding it because the lyrics resonate too well with my current situation. 

“No one talks to someone for five years unless they are in love with them right?” I asks my subconscious who is awfully quiet now 

Yates is only an hour drive from our city but Noelle and I love to make an adventure out of everything. We stop by the gas station that is right of the city to take pictures of bare and untouched landscape. We also stop by a diner when we both realize we have barely had anything to eat since the sun had risen and I drive a little slow because sometimes with my busy schedule I don’t get to spend enough time with Noelle so I try to stretch every moment we have.

“Yates! Population 20,607” I read out the sign on the side of road

Noelle brings out her phone from the glove compartment to use Google maps and gives me directions to our location. I park outside a gated residential. A black brick fence with deep green plants creeping on it and black gate that let’s bypassers see the most terrific villa. 

Back in secondary school Noelle and I used to spend so much time in the backyard of my family’s old house. We had a big pool that had the view of the city. Every year my parents would let me throw a small pool party. The year I went to college Baxter had moved into the neighborhood. He was taking a break from school to figure things out he said. Needless to say I thought he was the most interesting person I would pass by his house on my way to the bus stop. I would linger by the trash cans every time I had to take them out just in case he would come out. One day i stayed home from school because I caught a stomach bug. I went downstairs for a glass of water and found Baxter sitting in our lounge. My mom walked in announcing my presence.

“Audrey have you met Baxter? His family just moved into the new house right up the cul-de-sac” my mom uttered

“Hey Baxter” I said 

“Hey” he shot me a smile

“You should invite Baxter to your birthday party this year. It’s going to be fantastic”

I was so excited and little bit flustered. I had to pick out the perfect swimsuit. Usually I didn’t care about my parties because my parents never let me invite boys over. That year was different I was no longer in secondary school, I was becoming an adult and my crush was coming to my party.

Three days later I got a text from Baxter.

BigB: I don’t know what to get you for your birthday. Can I come pick you up so you can just get whatever you want? :/

TripleD: Be creative Mr Carmichael 

BigB: My next option was to gift you money. I don’t want to get you a boring gift. Meet me outside in 15 minutes.

BigB: Nvm 30 minutes I know you probably want to do your makeup too.

BigB: But 30 minutes or I am getting you a keychain or gifting you money

That was probably one of the best days of my life.

I should have known that it was all too good to be true. I should have known that my parents letting me throw a “grown up” party, gifting me a car and letting me stay out late with Baxter was just to soften the blow when they break the news to me and my siblings about their divorce. They sold the house as part of the divorce agreement. My mom bought a house near the city and my dad well…he moved across the country to be near his lover and love child. I was an adult and well I chose to go to college far from home. I lost my mind for a bit but Baxter was there for me. He was my solace.