Naked Goshawk

I have had a long and rigorous battle with depression. On most nights, I thought I would not make it but every night turned into day, days turned into weeks and weeks into months. Ta da! It has been a couple of years. When I was younger I wanted so bad to be taller because I couldn’t reach the top shelf or wash my hands without using a step stool on the sink. I didn’t realize growing taller meant growing and maturing therefore maturing equals giving a shit about grown up shit. Two years ago I logged off twitter for the last time. I wanted to dissociate myself from the real world and current affairs. I want to pretend the world isn’t as fucked up as it actually is (for those wondering deleting twitter helped my mental health). Take for example in the last few years it has been disaster after disaster and calamity within calamity. We experienced a pandemic, the elections, the constitutional case, re-elections, cholera epidemic, the fuel crisis, climate change and of course the most recent disaster: Cyclone Freddy.

I am so glad my family was super supportive when I decided to go to therapy. I cried a lot, I got angry (was always grumpy) and lashed out a lot. Not forgetting the time I stopped eating and got so sick because I was too sad to get out of bed. I was too sad to conjure up an appetite. Basically, I was the worst, but through it all my family was there for me. My transgressions opened up dialogue about mental health in our family. Shout out to my therapist and psychiatrist for staying patient because I know I was annoying and never followed through with the exercises they gave me. I learned a lot about myself from my sessions with my doctors.

One of the most alarming things that came up in my sessions was the simmering self-loathing I never knew I had deep down. I cared so much about what I thought of myself. I wanted to stop going to therapy at this point because how did I care about myself so much so that I ended up hating myself?

Chapter 1: How to love Audrey =/

And see that’s the thing: I never get over shit. I just compartmentalize and forget. The problem is I get into a fit of rage when I get triggered and I do not realize I’m projecting until the damage is already done.

ACCEPTANCE IS KEY

I used to hate that phrase. I didn’t want to accept my life is full of shit. I did not want to accept my life was not going the way “it should have been going”. I would cry myself to sleep because I was sure God had it out for me (main character syndrome was killing me). Last year (worst year of my life by the way) I spent a lot of time with myself. Trying to enjoy my own company, deciding what I want for my future, establishing goals etc. but most importantly setting boundaries and committing to them. I really want to be disciplined and master self-control. 

All that wellness and self-care bullshit came with accepting a lot of bullshit about myself I wanted to pretend didn’t exist or never happened (end of my delusion era). I had to accept losing friends and lovers I thought I would always in my life, losing lovers and friends I fumbled, lost chances and opportunities, trauma, prejudice, betrayal, aftermath of sexual assault, getting older and losing time. I had to accept maybe I fucked up so much and I was losing my mind.

Just to be clear, I still need to heal and do a lot of growing as a person (she said while still on antidepressants) I still cry myself to sleep, I still get anxiety attacks and I am still a people pleaser. I still whisper “I am going to kill myself” at least five times a week. For the three years I was working towards finishing Pre-Law, listen I worked my ass off to get good grades. I did all that work to not even get into the law program. recently (maybe about a year ago) I decided to be celibate because the boy I was madly in love with let me down again. I have had to accept mein Case I don’t get into the law program degree and accept the fact that I am doomed to only experiencing unrequited love on top of all the crazy and horrible things going on this rock.

Essentially what I am saying is, I found it so hard to accept the terrible things that kept happening to me because of my ego. I was not ready to let go of the vision and the life I thought I should have had or deserved. I felt as though I was owed something.

Life can actually be beautiful and I do have time. Life is infinite. I will lose people and meet other people. I will listen to new songs and fall in love with old songs I rediscover on a random Sunday. Someone will come along and love me and maybe they will push me away or I will sabotage the relationship. I will always remember the love and the memories they left with me.

Fortunately, life is infinite.