Things I Would Never Admit Pt. 1

1. I am very afraid.

I can be very performative. As a matter of fact I feel like I have been acting my whole life. Don’t cry, don’t show people you care too much and most importantly be chilled, be relaxed.

This one time when I was 7 years old I cried so much at dentist I thought I had embarrassed my mom so I told myself I would never cry again unless it was so urgent and the situation was so horrible I couldn’t help it. Believe me when I say I barely ever cried until I turned 15. I cried enough for all the years I neglected my emotions.

I think I have been let down so much I am always ready to be disappointed. I am afraid of getting attached or loving people. I had a girl I was soo in love with tell me “You are so expressionless i can never tell what you’re feeling”. I don’t want to be nonchalant. I want the people I love to know I love them with everything in me.

The truth is I am barely ever relaxed or chilled. Unless I drink a lot of rum or take a nap. I am always in my mind worried about something. I really hate that i give plenty fucks. I want to be the chill laid back girl but I have fucks in abundance to give.